The Puppet
by Kajorma
Summary: Lucas is a vanilla mortal trapped in a bargain with one of the Fae.  Rated "M" for coarse language and some violence.  The story takes place in the Dresden universe, but with little to no interaction with the existing characters in the Dresden Files.
1. Intro

_Author's Notes: This is a Dresden Fanfic, in that I will be working in the Dresden-verse, but I currently have no plans to include any characters or events from the main timeline. This story will take place in and around Denver, so running into people shouldn't pose much of a problem._

_The timeline would be concurrent with Changes, or possibly just after Changes, and before Ghost Story._

_The Dresden Files are, of course, the property of Jim Butcher.  
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><p>I ran like a bitch.<p>

I'm not a coward or anything. I mean I grew up in East LA. I can't remember how many times I've been mugged or beat down. I wasn't just a victim either; I like to think that I gave as good as I got. That's a lie of course, but I did enough that I could hold my head up at the end of the day. I was never in a gang or anything, but I had friends who would back me. I had some enemies too. Looking back, I have no fuckin clue what we were fighting over. But still, I came out of it okay.

You end up thinkin you're pretty tough after all that. Guys would say "I've been in this many fights" or "I spent two years in county", or whatever. I've stood my ground against guys who were bigger than me, stood my ground when I was outnumbered and knew damned well I was gonna lose. I've had guns pointed at me. Shit, in my neighborhood, that's just something that happens.

This was different. Some junkie pulls a gun on you, it's cause he wants cash. He doesn't want to use it. Even the bangers don't really want to shoot you. They're probably not gonna do it unless you give em a reason. Long as you don't disrespect them, long as you keep your head down, you should be fine. But this thing...

Shit. You could tell. From the second it came through that door, it wanted only one thing. It was gonna kill me, and probably eat me after. I didn't know what it was, and I damned sure didn't care. It had dark brown skin, not like me or anything, more like tanned leather that was left out too long, but it was loose. Flabby. It's mouth was huge. At the time I would have sworn you could have parked a minivan in there. Really it was probably only big enough to swallow my head. Either way, with the giant teeth, the drool dangling from its lower jaw, the ear splitting screech that it was throwing out, all I could think about was getting the hell out of there.

Sure, it was ugly, but that wasn't the worst of it. The worst part was that it looked almost human. Like some mad scientist had taken some homeless guy and infused him with a whole bag of ugly.

You might be thinking that you'd have pulled your gun; gave it one between the eyes; something like that. Hell, you might have. Of course, if you ever were in that situation, and you did, well, you probably wouldn't be around to reading this.

So, yeah, I ran like a bitch. I'm not afraid to say it. I'd do it again. There are just some things out there that a guy like me wasn't meant to deal with.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably wondering how I got there.

There was this girl, see...


	2. Going to Church

_Fair Warning: The main character here is somewhat misogynistic. You've been warned. _

_Unrelated Note: The Church is a real club up in Denver, but it's been years since I've been there. They actually do have 3 floors with different DJs, but the sub-sub-basement is completely fictional._

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><p>I'd want to say that I'm not always a sucker for a pretty face. But that's not really true. I've done lots of stupid things for women. Usually the worst of it would be getting in a fight or something, but, yeah, I've been down this road before.<p>

Of course, I'd never met a woman like her before. Back in L.A., I used to go down to San Diego. The beaches there were packed with women that you d think of as nines or tens. Daisy dukes, bikinis, all that. After moving here to Denver everyone talked like chicks I'd think were a seven or maybe eight like they were off the scale. This chick was different though. She tore my whole scale apart.

She had this smooth almond skin, velvety black hair, deep brown eyes, and curves. Curves that men would go to war over. Shit. I know I would have. Maybe I did, even. The fact is though, I just didn't stand a chance.

I met her at The Church. It s not a real church, mind you. It was, a long time ago, but the building got sold and now it s this swanky night club thing. Going in there is an experience. It s this huge stone building, with stained glass windows and everything. From outside you can hear the thrum-thrum-thrum of the bass beat, but not much else. You open up the over-sized wooden doors and look out onto a sea of people writhing to the music where the pews used to be. Goth clubs have never been my thing, and there are a lot of cool places back on Sunset, but I have to admit, the Church impressed me.

It was my first time there, so after a while I went exploring. Turns out there are multiple levels, and each has its own DJ. The sub-sub-basement was a lot more low key. Each floor had a different d cor. This one was like a hookah bar designed by Tim Burton. All through the center of the room there were assortments of dark burgundy pillows and there was a bunch of black gauzy material hung from the ceiling dividing off some of the smoking areas and giving the illusion of privacy. There were some people to one side of the room playing some drums, with one guy plucking on this tall fat stringed instrument that I d never seen before. There were a couple of honest-to-god belly dancers, totally lost in the music, like there was no one watching.

I wandered over to the bar to relax a bit. I ordered a Jack and coke, and took stock of the place while I waited for the bar tender to make the drink. She was standing in the corner, and was by far the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen. She was dressed all in black, with knee-high boots, silk skirts, and a leather corset. There was no one within ten feet of her.

That probably should have been a sign. A girl like that would normally have guys all over her, fighting each other for her attention. No one even seemed to notice her. Not that I thought about that at the time. All I thought about then was that she was hotter than the sun, and she was looking _right at me_. She wore this quirky little half-smile and took a sip out of something from a silver cup. (Damn this place was classy)

My drink finally arrived - seriously, how hard is it to make a Jack and coke? - so I left some cash on the bar and walked over. I did my best to look like I hung out in places like this all the time, instead my usual places which would sell alcohol for as cheap as I could find it.

It must have worked. As I walked across the room to break the ice, not one single person pointed, laughed, or otherwise indicated that I just didn't belong here. Things were already going well.

I walked over to her, and as nonchalantly as possible blurted out, "God, this place is a dump." Insulting a place that she obviously hangs out? Seriously? What the hell was I thinking here? My mouth had apparently stopped taking the time to check with my common sense. Still I kept up a good poker face. It's times like this I m really glad chicks can't read my mind. Besides, her smile had increased, and there seemed to be some laughter in her eyes.

Well, in for a penny... "What's say the two of us get out of here?"

She spoke, and her voice moved through me, telling me that everything I wanted, everything I ever needed, I could find with her. "And where wouldst we go, that you would find more suitable to your _refined_ tastes?"

There was real laughter in her voice there, but that isn't a terrible thing. This was going far better for me than I had any right to. Best just to roll with it, I figured. I gave her my best Ricky Martin and said, "Anywhere we can be alone."

If that line had worked, I would have had to write in to Guinness and submit myself as the luckiest bastard of all time. As it was, she laughed, and suggested, "You might start by giving me thine name."

That was considerably better than I had any right to expect. I smiled, "Lucas."

"Well met, Lucas." She seemed to savor the name, the way it sounded I guess. Maybe I was imagining things.

At any rate, I felt like I was finally catching up. I never went much for the medieval fairs and the like that people always got dressed up for, but I wasn't totally ignorant of them either. "And wouldst-st thine lady be wanting to give-th me her-n name?" Okay, so I wasn't very good at this.

"My name is Naiamh, and I would thank thee not to mimic mine speech." She actually seemed pretty bothered by that.

"Sorry. I was just trying to play along." She looked a little less annoyed, but the silence was going on. I decided to try something else. "So, do you- I mean, is this the kind of place you normally hang out?"

"No," she replied, seeming to consider, "This place is something of a dump, I'm told." She had started smiling again, if only a little.  
>"Well, my offer does still stand." I ventured, but much softer this time.<br>It scored a chuckle, "You certainly are tenacious." She leaned back, considering me, as some collector might look at the height and build of a prize pony. Or a showdog. It was really pretty off-putting.

"Tell me then, Lucas, why you are more suitable to my ..needs than any of the other men who would gladly take thine place. You certainly aren't the prettiest of the men here." I may have taken offense to that if she hadn't reached out to touch my face as she said it. She brushed her fingers over an old scar on my face, and I nearly melted. "Such interesting features though."

"Well," I answered, "I may not be the best looking, but I am an incredible lover." I threw a bit of a cheesy grin on the end of that. Hey, if she s still laughing, then I'm still doing well.

But she didn't laugh. Her face dropped into a very serious look. "No. You are not."

Well, crap. What do you do with that? I didn't get a chance to even try before she went on. "But you could be." She was still very serious, and I had stopped breathing. "I could teach you."

Oh.  
>Hell.<br>Yes.

"If I were to teach you to be one of the greatest lovers in the mortal world, would you agree to do me favors three?"

That just isn't a proposition that you say no to. Well, maybe it is, but if there's one thing people know about me, it's that I make very bad decisions. "Oh, I think I could do far more than three favors for you." I'd laced that one with heavy enough innuendo to make Groucho Marx blush, but it didn't even dent that solemn look on her face.

"Three should prove quite sufficient. I will teach thee to be one of the greatest mortal lovers in this world, and you will perform for me favors three." The words had a certain finality to them. "Are we agreed?"

"Oh, I agree."

I really couldn't believe my luck. This was going to turn into one of those stories I tell my friends and no one believes it. It did, but not at all in the way that I thought.

Naiamh looked into my eyes, and I lost all track of time. Her beautiful brown eyes locked with mine, and began to change. First the irises faded into the whites of her eyes and the pupils transformed. They stretched, and elongated, and became figures. The figures embraced each other, and began to make love. They began moving faster and faster, changing positions, doing things that probably would have shocked me, if I hadn't gone completely numb. The figures moved faster and faster, and my head began to ache. Scenes flashed before my eyes. Intricate scenarios that I didn't really understand, but were burning their way into my brain.

In the end it was too much. The knowledge overwhelmed me, and I blacked out. Be careful what you ask for, I guess.

On the up side, my luck was working out just about like I normally expected.


	3. The Island  Part 1

_Notes: Yes, I know that the castle in Disneyland actually "belongs" to Sleeping Beauty. I'm going to ignore that fact, and go on as if my protagonist is unaware of the real estate status of the Magic Kingdom._

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><p>I woke to what is still the most bizarre sight of my life.<p>

I was on a tropical beach, and the sun gently warmed me from... no where. Actually when I thought about it, the sun was nowhere to be seen, but it was still a bright and warm day, without a cloud in the sky. There were trees. They reminded me of the palm trees back home, but instead of having a single long trunk, their trunks were fat, and split into large sections like an old oak. The tops ended in palm leaves, and there was some sort of purple fruit about the size of a basketball growing on them. The bushes were odd too. They were green and lush, but all the leaves on them were perfectly round. The water was perfectly clear. If it weren't for the shining reflection of the not-sun, I might not have seen it at all.

I couldn't help it. Some part of my brain insisted that Denver was about as far from an island as you can get. It kept telling me that I must have been out for hours at the least for someone to get me this far away from home. That someone had also apparently taken my shoes. I was reminded of this fact by the way the cool water was lapping over my toes.

Of course, the conscious part of me knew that I hadn't been taken to Jamaica. Sure, Jamaica has beautiful beaches, but as far as I know, none of them have bright orange sand. The sand was soft and fine, just like the perfect island was supposed to be, except that the whole place reminded me of a giant bag of Cheetos.

No, worse than that. It was like the Cheeto dust my old roommate would leave all around our apartment. Seriously, that dude must have eaten those damned things everywhere. The cracks in the linoleum in our bathroom were orange. I kid you not.

The thought stuck in my head, and just wouldn't leave. Yeah, this is like a beach that Justin had lived on for about a thousand years. I started giggling out loud at that point. In my head, this place would forever be Cheeto Island. Hell, I wasn't even sure it it was an island, but it just didn't matter. I was on a bright orange beach, and I just couldn't stop laughing.

It wasn't long before I realized that I wasn't the only one laughing. There was a high pitched voice nearby. It sounded almost like a small child, but the laughter had a hint of malice in it that just couldn't come from an innocent. I jerked, and rolled over to my hands and knees, ready to... Hell I have no idea what I was going to do, but I was going to be ready, damn it.

It took a minute, but I finally figured out what I was looking at. It was a tiny woman. Well, more like an animated barbie doll, with wings. Yeah, I might as well get used to it: a fairy. She had long hair that was, thankfully, a natural shade of red, and very pale skin. She had overly long legs, and an incredibly disproportionate waist to hip ratio. Her features were inhuman, but she somehow managed to make that look sensuous... you know, if you're in to women that are about a foot tall.

She wore a skirt and blouse combination that were pink and sparkled. They looked flimsy and oddly cut; as if they weren't meant to be actually worn. The fairy must have agreed with me on this last point, because she had cut a slit up both sides of the skirt. It occurred to me that this outfit may have been scavenged off of an _actual_ Barbie doll.

She was still laughing at me, and I decided that I may as well see what she wanted. I flopped back into the sand so that I was sitting facing her, and asked, "So, what's your name?"

That actually seemed to startle her for a moment, and then she erupted into even more laughter. After a little while, she calmed down, and in between sucking in breaths, she spoke. "Silly man. Do you not know that names have power? Were I to give you my name you could summon me at will. You could force me to do your bidding. No, you probably give your name freely to everyone you meet!"

She was practically squealing now at her own jokes. "Tell me mortal! What is _your_ name?"

I silently resolved to go to Disneyland with the express purpose of burning down Tinkerbell's castle. In the mean time, I only scowled at her. It shouldn't have mattered. I was sure that none of this could be real anyway, but its hard to think clearly when you're being laughed at.

I waited. There didn't seem to be much else to do. I mean, what was I going to do, get into a fight with an imaginary fairy? I didn't have a lot of options here. I just had to ride this trip out, and never ever accept drinks in freaky bars _ever_ again.

The fairy eventually grew bored of laughing at me, and attempted to try conversation again. "Tell you what mortal. You may call me Pahi, and I will call you Stupid Man."

"Perfect." I muttered.

"Perfect!" she echoed. "Now, I am sent here by your lady with instructions for you, Stupid Man."

"I don't have a lady, Pahi." I tried putting emphasis on the name, but it didn't seem to have any effect. What can I say, it was worth a try.

"Oh, but you _do_! Or, she has you at least. You have agreed to three tasks, and three tasks you shall perform!"

"Like hell I will. That crazy bitch drugged me!" I said, and after a second, I added under my breath, "And I think she took my shoes."

"She did only give you what you requested." she said, and added with a smirk, "And your shoes and socks are up there above the high tide line."

I ignored the last part and gestured around. "When did I _request_ a vacation planned by Salvador Dali?"

"You wanted to become a great lover, and now you are." She said this as if explaining things to a slow child.

"That isn't what I meant!"

"Of course it wasn't, Stupid Man, but it _is_ what you said. Always be careful with your words to the Fae."

"And now she's a fairy too. That's just great. Besides, I didn't even get anything out of it."

"You gained knowledge, Stupid Man, and that can be power. If you but choose to follow the instructions in your head, you could be a great lover indeed."

"_What_ knowledge? _What_ instruction?"

Pahi skipped/flew a few feet down the beach and picked up a stick that was roughly her size. Then she, well, she positioned herself somewhat lewdly with it. "Tell me Stupid Man, were this stick my lover, what would this position be called?"

"The rest of the Warrior" How in the hell did I know that? I'd done something like that before, but I sure as hell didn't have a name for it.

Pahi shifted again, "And this one?"

"Position of the Tongs. Okay, I get it, I have names for things now. I don't see-"

"No. You do not, as you say, 'get it.'" Pahi stood up and tossed the stick aside. "Name seven erogenous zones on a woman."

Part of me was all ready prepared to answer "I only need the one." but my brain started rippling through possibilities. What came out of my mouth was actually, "The backs of the knees? Seriously?"

"Yes, Stupid Man, now you begin to 'get it'. When the knowledge you requested is needed, it will be there for you."

I stared at her with my mouth hanging open.

"Hah! And now you have to pay for that knowledge, Stupid Man."

"Okay, fine. Tell me about it."

"Your first task is to gain information out of an electric box back in your world."

"An electric box?" It says something good about the drugs that I was given that I was still coherent at this point. I'd have to find out what they were and take them recreationally some time.

"You know them, Stupid Man. Mortals put information into them so that they can get it out later. They're everywhere! And they have bright flashy colors!"

I sighed. "A computer?"

"An electric box! And your lady says this one box has something in it that she wants. So you have to get it!"

"Ah, no problem." I pulled out my iPhone. "I'll just pull up my iHack app and get all the information from here."

Pahi suddenly looked very interested. "I did not know it would be so simple for you."

"IT'S NOT!" I screamed at her. "Who do you think I am? I don't know the first thing about hacking into computers! I don't go around breaking into the FBI like I'm, I'm... I don't even know the name of a famous hacker! And you're like 'oh just take the info from an electric box.' If this is something that people want kept secret it isn't going to be something any guy off the street can just go get!"

Pahi stood up in a huff, flew over, and handed me a yellow sticky note that seemed to come out of no where. "You're no fun when you yell." she said sullenly. "There is the place with the box. It's your job to get it, and I don't care how!" She flew back down to the ground just so that she could stomp her foot when she said it.

The note had an address, and a question, "Where is the silver full length mirror?"

I'd had enough. Even for a bad dream, this was getting annoying. "You know what? I don't think I will."

"You must Stupid Man, there are great penalties for breaking a contract with the Fae. If you do not complete you tasks she will be free to do with you whatever she wishes. Such laws were written before your kind walked the Earth."

"Maybe, but maybe not. All I have is your word for it, and you asking me to do something. I don't even know if the task came from her. Hell, if I believe you, then I should have total power over her anyway. You said I could summon fairies if I knew their names, right?"

I started yelling again, "Naiamh! Naiamh! Naiamh!"

Pahi began to laugh again.

"Shut it, Pahi. Naiamh!"

Pahi buzzed around my head, "That will do you no good, Stupid Man! In order to say a name correctly you must be able to _listen_ first! You're wasting your breath, and my time, Stupid Man."

"Then do us both a favor and get the hell out of here, you annoying little shit." I punctuated the statement by throwing a large handful of cheeto dust at her. It struck home, and nearly knocked her out of the air.

Pahi gave out a half squeal-half grunt of frustration and irritation, and simply said "Fine!" and vanished.

Just like that she was gone. I sat out on the beach waiting for the not-sun to set, and wondering what colors I would see.

Sooner or later this trip would have to end, and I could get back to my life in the real world.


	4. The Island  Part 2

So, it turns out that being in a really strange place and chasing off the only person that can help is not the best idea. The next few days were difficult. For one thing, the not-Sun never managed to set over the horizon. Cheeto Island turned out to be an island after all, and not a very big one at that. I'd walked to the opposite side in about an hour. The trees never got particularly thick, and near as I could tell, there were no animals on the island. The only way I kept track of time was through my phone, which was quickly running out of power.

Then there was the simple matters of food and water.

Water turned out not to be an issue. I grew up on the coast. One of those things that you never forget is the smell of the ocean. There's a smell, almost a taste, of salt in the air all around you. It was my second day, and I was getting desperate. Tasting the water wasn't a great option, but it seemed to be the only one I had. Then there was the simple fact that I was pretty sure that none of this was real. If all of this was a delusion, then there was a chance that there was a real source of water near by, and I just imagined it was an ocean. In the end, I went for it.

It was dangerous. Dying of thirst is a bad way to go, and drinking salt water is worse than drinking nothing. Plus, even if this were fresh water, there was still a pretty good chance that there was something nasty in it. In the end though, I was getting all worked up over nothing. The water tasted fresh and pure.

Food ended up being a bigger problem. Those fruits looked flat out scary. Plus, I was never very good at climbing trees. I waded out into the water to see if there were any fish, but even if I found them, I had no idea how I would catch anything. I hadn't really considered the possibility that going into the water meant that something might try to catch me.

I was out to about the point where the water was just above my knees when I saw it. It looked like a snake, about as thick as my torso, and about as long as a city bus. It's head looked almost human, with a flat face, but it was scaly, and the mouth had large fangs. The face was surrounded by thick hair that flowed behind, like a man with long hair and a long beard that had at some point grown together as a large mass of unmanageable hair.

My exact words at this point were "GNyaH!", as I turned and sprinted back for the shore. The thing chased me.

Damn, it was fast, but it didn't seem to want to get too close to the beach. Once it realized it wasn't going to catch me it stopped and let out a scream. Or a roar. Whatever it was, it was high pitched and not happy.

Worse than that, it was answered by several others. They emerged from the ocean, sticking straight up out of the water eight to ten feet. I still have no idea how they did that part. Physically, it just doesn't seem possible. At any rate, that's about when I got a good look at them.

The snake bodies were all about the same, with maybe a little difference in coloration. The faces were very different. The bearded one that was chasing me was the biggest of them. Another was a fair amount smaller, and the face looked softer, more feminine. Her hair only came from the top half of her head, and I wasn't all that close, but I could swear that snake had eyelashes. There were probably a dozen or so more, but those went back into the water shortly after they saw me back on land. The pack looked to made of more males than females, but there Lashes wasn't the only woman. I decided that however they organized themselves, Lashes and The Lumberjack were the leaders of that strange serpent family.

So, going in the water is a Bad Idea. Around that time, a really strange thought came to me. If the water was fresh and clean, maybe the cheeto dust on the island really tasted like Cheetos. I mean, if nothing makes sense anyway, why not just go all out. I scooped up a handful of the sand and tasted it.

It was almost exactly, but not quite, just like eating dirt.

Yeah.

So the only place I could go for food was the obvious one that I'd been avoiding. I'm not sure what made me want to avoid those things so badly, but I really, really did not want to try to eat that fruit. Finally, I climbed up one of the trees. The tree didn't throw me off, try to eat me, or otherwise do anything non-tree like, which was really a good start.

The fruit turned out to be a lot larger than I'd first thought, being closer to a beach ball than a basketball in size. I could also see from up here that they were covered in a thick rind.

Pulling one of those off the tree wasn't nearly as easy I thought it would be. It turns out that stems tough enough to hold up that kind of weight don't break easy. I cut one down with my pocket knife, and let it fall to the ground. Cutting through the rind took a bit of work as well. But when I did, I was rewarded with bright red pulp, and an intoxicatingly sweet smell.

I had just pulled a handful of the pulp out of the fruit when she returned. "Are you sure that you want to eat that?"

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><p>Normally, a person materializing behind me on a deserted island and interrupting my first meal in two days would have caused me to jump. As it was, with the snake things, and the pixie, and Cheeto Island itself, I was just worn out. Beyond that, I was just plain tired and hungry. I managed a simple, "Why?" while still clinging to a fistful of the fruit.<p>

Naiamh glided over, "Because the fruit contains a powerful narcotic, and if you eat it, you will be asleep for a very long time."

I looked down at my hand, and slowly managed to make myself drop the pulp. I sighed. "So what then? How do I eat?"

"Food should not be an issue for you soon."

That didn't sound good.

She continued, "Soon you will be returned to the mortal realm, where you will attain what I require."

It could be worse. "Right, the hacking computers thing."

"I care not how you attain the information, I have only provided you its location."

This wasn't helping. "Great, yeah. Wonderful. But I have no way of getting it. And even if I did have a way, you aren't exactly my favorite person right now. Why would I help you?"

"Because you have made a bargain, and what is done can not be undone."

I gave her my best cold look. "That doesn't mean I have to go through with it."

"No." She sighed. "There is always a choice. You could renege, and I could find another mortal to work for me. But I do not want that, because I am running short of time and I have no need for another guardian for this island."

This did not compute with me at all. "What the hell are you talking about?"

She regarded me, trying to figure out if I really didn't understand. "You didn't think you could just walk away, did you? If you do not fulfill your bargain, you will live a long life guarding this island." She nodded out toward the waves.

Even then, it took a a minute for it to sink in. "...wait. You mean those _things_? Those are people?"

"They were. They chose to break their word. Now there is little left of the people they once were." She turned to look out to the sea. "It makes me sad. I do not recruit people without potential. Each of them could have become so much more than they are now."

"It makes you _sad_? I have an idea! Why not just let them go? If you did that to them, then just undo it."

"What has been done, "

"Don't give me that! Why am I even arguing with you?" I started talking to myself instead. "There is no way any of this is real. Maybe the fruit is my medicine, and I'm fighting it..."

"It is not, and I think you know that, Lucas."

"Shut it, figment." I snapped. "I have to figure this out."

"This is not a dream, Lucas." she replied patiently.

"Not a dream? Look, lady, none of this is scientifically possible. It just can't be."

"Science." She looked grim now. "Don't get me started on science. I was there when your race was given that gift. In 500 years, your scientists have used it to create terrible things, and yet hardly any of you still can not grasp its most basic meaning."

"Hey!" That struck a nerve. I never finished college, but science was one of those things that was important to me. It separated the first world from the rest of the world. It was why we had clean water and medicine. "We do just fine with science. Haven't you noticed little things like electricity?"

"Yes, a select few have made great leaps, but even they rarely have the foresight to think about what they will unleash. And as for the rest of you,"

"Not me, lady. I may not be a PhD, but I..."

"But you fail to observe your surroundings, create hypotheses and test them. You just assume that you know the answer because of what your gods of Science have told you."

"It doesn't wash. Occam's Razor states that..."

"Occam's Razor is a tool which people use to just assume they are right about everything. You simply declare the thing that you already believe is the 'simplest solution' and declare yourself right."

"That isn't how it works."

"That is not how it is supposed to work, but I assure you, that is, in fact, how it does work."

The silence stretched on. Of all the places I thought I'd be and things I thought I'd be doing, arguing about science with a fairy on an island made of Cheetos, surrounded by snake people just wasn't on the list. Plus, even assuming that this was a dream, I needed to find a way back to reality, and hanging out alone on this island just wasn't doing it.

"Fine." I said. "You said you'd get me back to Denver. Do that, and we can talk about the rest."

"You still do not believe, but this is a start. I will send you back, but when I do, you must find a way to seek the truth."

"Great. I'll do that." I said impatiently. "Just get me out of here."

"Two weeks." She locked her eyes on mine. "You have two weeks to complete your first task. It will start when you return, but I need that information, and I need it soon."

She closed her eyes, and in front of her a gash of light appeared and widened. Looking through it, I could see a bus station. It looked like Southmoor. I could see the cars from I-25 racing by behind it.

I didn't hesitate for a second. I ran through the gate and yelled over my shoulder, "Have fun in crazy land, lady!" It didn't occur to me until later that yelling at no one about being crazy wasn't really the best sign for me.

She called after me one last time before closing the gate. "Two weeks, Lucas! Do not disappoint me!"


	5. A run for the border

Who do you call when you've been on vacation from reality for a few days, and need a ride back to your car? Most people probably have someone that they can count on for that sort of thing. Me, I've always been a loner. I like to say that I know a lot of people, but none of them know me. The truth of the matter is really that I'm just an asshole. Any way you look at it though, I'd have to do some convincing if I wanted to get someone to drive across town to pick me up.

Plus, it was just bad timing. If I was in that club on Saturday, woke up Sunday morning, and spent two days in la-la land, that would make this Tuesday. So, everyone should be at work...

Which is where I should be. That sinking feeling hit me in the stomach. I was sure that my boss was just going to kill me. He was a decent guy and all, but no call-no show is a good way to get yourself fired from any job. I had way more problems than I could deal with at right at that moment, so I just focused on the immediate. I was going to get some freaking food.

I'd remembered that there was a taco bell just up the road from the last time I was down here, so I headed off in that direction. It's one of those things you take for granted when you have a car, that a place that's a mile away seems right at your fingertips. Hell, in normal conditions, a mile walk isn't even that bad. As hungry as I was though, that walk seemed to take about 10 years. When I finally got there, I rolled up to the counter and ordered the giant box of tacos. If there's one thing to know about me, its that I make bad decisions. I don't care who you are, or how hungry you are at the moment, you will not eat 12 tacos by yourself. So, I sat there at the restaurant, trying to figure out what to do, wondering what I was going to do with seven un-eaten tacos. It's not the biggest problem in the world, but it's one of those things that you sit and wonder, "What the hell was I just thinking?" Still, the food helped. A lot.

The first thing I had to do is get my car and get back home. So, I walked back down to the station, carrying the half box of tacos, to catch a city bus back to my side of town. I hadn't actually used a bus in a while. Not since I got my car, about two years back. People will tell you what a great idea public transit is, but usually only if they never had to deal with it. Riding the bus sucks. You wait at the station for about an eternity so that a bus can take you to another station that's usually about a million miles from where you're actually trying to go. It sucks, but it definitely beats walking.

The bus stop was already occupied by an old woman with a shopping cart. Not much chance she was here to catch a ride. Bus stops in Denver are pretty well insulated from the weather, because they have to be. Because of that fact, homeless people gravitate toward them, just to get out of the cold. It was pretty early in the year to worry about that, but I had to admit that it was getting pretty chilly out.

Colorado was like that though. The first year I got here, there was a freaking full on blizzard in May. Then, that Christmas, there wasn't a spec of snow and it was 70 degrees outside. The place was just weird. But then again, L.A. really only has one temperature - sunny. Lots of times I missed it, but I had to admit that it was nice to have actual seasons now and again.

I plopped down on the bench and prepared to wait. The old lady didn't pay any attention to me, and of course I knew that the smart thing to do was follow suit. But, you know, I couldn't help but feeling guilty sitting next to a person who didn't have a home, and who knows when her last meal was? I opened the taco box, and offered her one.

Yeah, yeah. I know better. The lady erupted into a fit of screaming in a language that sounded something like Russian. I have no idea what she was trying to say, but the jumping up and walking toward me while shaking a fist was pretty clear.

"Okay, okay. No tacos. Tacos are bad." I said as I stood up and backed out of the bus stop as I stuffed the taco back in the box. Some of my old friends would have laughed at me for backing down to some homeless woman, but seriously, what do you do in that situation? Fight? Oh I can see that, 'young fit guy beats up old crazy woman.' Oh, people would just love me for that. No, the only thing to do at that point was walk away. I waited for the bus outside the stop.

"Are you just going to give them away, Stupid Man?" a voice from behind me chirped.

Well, so much for reality. You know, some guys get lost in fantasies where supermodels mud-wrestle over them. Why couldn't I get that? No, instead I get a vulgar foot tall pixie. Wonderful.

I turned to face her, "Apparently not. What can I do for you, Pahi?"

It was almost as if I hadn't spoken at all. "You don't even know that woman. Why would you?"

I didn't think she was being evasive. She was just completely fixated on the box of tacos. I mean, I like crappy fast food as much as the next guy, but she was looking at it like a crack head about a foot away from a fix that she was trying to figure out how to get. Yeah, fairies that are addicted to fast food. It did make about as much sense as anything else in the last few days.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. But, since I was obviously insane anyway, I figured I may as well go all in. "Would you like a taco, Pahi?"

That broke her attention from the box. Her head jerked around and looked me dead in the eyes. "Why, Stupid Man? At what price?" she demanded.

I laughed. "Price, you little lunatic? It's a taco. The thing costs less than a buck, and its probably going to go to waste anyway. Just take it." I pulled out a taco and offered it to her.

She didn't even blink. "Say that there is no price and that you offer this of your own free will."

I sighed. "Sure, Pahi. There is no price for the taco, and I offer it of my own free will. I wan—"

I didn't get any further than that when she turned into a blur of motion. Before I knew what was happening, the taco was out of my hand and the wrapper was in pieces and falling to the ground. Pahi had taken the whole thing, and was flying around in a dizzying pattern while devouring it. It defies description really. I mean that taco was what, about half her body weight? As I watched the taco disintegrate before my eyes, the only thought that I could manage was "How does she fit into Barbie's clothes?"

The whole episode took about a second and a half. First there was taco, then there were wrapper fragments and a hungry looking fairy. Hungry? _HUNGRY? _Holy crap. "So you really like tacos, huh?"

She was more in control of herself now, but she was still shooting glances at the box. "Tacos are a good food, Stupid Man. Not the Best Food, but they are still very good."

Even I couldn't help but notice the emphasis she'd put on the words 'Best Food.' I tried to sound non-chalant, "So what food is best then?" I gave a slight condescending smile.

It apparently hit home, because she angrily shot back, "CHEESE-CAKE! Of course, Stupid Man! How can you even ask that? You are even dumber than most stupid men! Cheese-Cake is The Best Food there is!"

That. That was worth noting. This fairy chick went crazy for a taco. If I got her a piece of cheesecake I could… What? Get her to betray Naiamh? Great plan, except that I had no idea how the pipsqueak could actually help me. Still, I knew enough about being a drug dealer from watching Law and Order to know that you had to get your clients hooked first. Start with something small, right?

"Tell you what, Pahi. I'll give you another taco if you agree to stick around for a while." Just make yourself scarce, and be ready to answer when I call."

She considered it. "I can not always answer you, Stupid Man. I have orders to not be seen by other mortals. I will stay near and listen for your call for two weeks, and answer when I can, for the rest of the tacos in that box."

That was good. She was already willing to do it. Now we were just talking about price. The rest of the box was a cheap price, but I didn't want to look too eager for this, and besides, it helped to have some supply ready for her when I needed something. "Two tacos for the two weeks. And you will honestly answer any question in that time. No lies."

She smiled. "Three Tacos, and the hot sauce! And I will follow you for two weeks, and in that time I will speak no word to you that is untrue!"

She was smirking at some joke I didn't understand, but it seemed fair enough to me. I pulled three tacos out of the box and handed them over. "We have a deal."

Pahi squealed with delight as she tore into the tacos. The worst part was watching her rip open the fire sauce and start guzzling it like it was a giant Coke. Man, fairies are just weird.

After eating one of the tacos, she finally slowed down and started laughing. "Stupid Man! Your Lady ordered me to follow you anyway! And everyone knows that fairies can not speak words that are untrue! You gave me those tacos for nothing. Bwahahaha!"

Learning something new was definitely worth a few cheap-ass tacos, but it still stung a bit to have her laughing at me like that. "Okay, I get it. Just begone. Or whatever I say to get rid of you."

"You do not have the power to get rid of me Stupid Man! Bwahahah."

I sighed. "But you can't let other mortals see you. Great."

I went back into the bus stop. I stand by that decision. Crazy homeless people are better than fairies any day.


	6. Finally Back Home

The bus got me back over to my side of town without incident. Pahi didn't show up again even after I was alone. I spent most of the time zoning out; just glad to be headed back home. On the way I saw one of those Halloween superstores. Usually those don't open until October or _maybe_ September. August just seemed plain silly, but that's how it goes. It does seem like they open up earlier and earlier each year. Before long they were just going to play Christmas music year round and you could buy crap for any holiday whenever you wanted.

Don't get me wrong. I like the holidays as much as anyone. And Halloween in particular is a great time to be young. There will be wild parties, and women wearing next to nothing as their "costume" for the night. Yeah, I love Halloween. But in _August_? That's just stupid. It seemed like most of the world disagreed with me though, as there were plenty of people coming in and out, and buildings all over had some sort of decorations up.

I arrived at my apartment and checked my mailbox out of force of habit. The thing was stuffed full. I flipped through the envelopes as I walked over to my apartment door. Most of it was junk, but there were a few bills in the mess. I made it into my apartment, and found a past-due notice had been shoved under my door. Actually, there were three of them. _Someone_ had been ambitious. It was weird too, because I wasn't the kind of guy who was always late with the rent. I tossed the mail on a table by the door, and picked up the notices. Apparently the building manager thought that I owed rent for September and October.

Things just weren't clicking. I mean, the management here wasn't perfect, but putting out past-due notices with dates in the future was a pretty big clerical error. I went and checked the bills. They had the wrong dates too. Even the junk mail was postmarked in October.

I pulled out my phone and turned it back on. I had shut it off on the island to conserve energy. Smart phones are awesome, but the batteries don't last much time away from a charger, and I thought it was safer to keep it off in case I needed it later. The first thing it did when it came back on was give me a message saying that it was "updating time and date."

I waited.

The display told me that it was 3:47 PM on Friday the 17th of October.

It still didn't really click, but by now I'd figured that it was probably me, rather than the world, that was out of whack. I had no idea what was going on, but I had an idea how to find out. "Pahi. I need to talk."

She appeared out of nowhere, speaking in an overly bright and chipper voice. "Hello Stupid Man! What do you want to talk about?"

"I want you to tell me what's going on."

She giggled, "There are many things going on! The man who lives above you is watching his television box! The lady over in that living box is passed out from drinking too much wine! The couple over there is fighting! You live in an exciting place, Stupid Man."

There was absolutely no way that she didn't know what I was talking about. "Pahi." I said in my best upset dad voice, "You promised to answer my questions."

"No, Stupid Man!" she was enjoying this far too much, "I promised not to lie! I never said I would answer."

"Oh, come -" Right. Of course. You can never get anything for nothing. I don't know what I was thinking. "Okay Pahi. I'll give you one more taco if you'll answer my questions for the next two weeks."

"Two weeks? That's a lot for just one taco, Stupid Man. Those tacos aren't even hot anymore. And you don't even have any more hot sauce."

"YOU ATE ALL THE-" I stopped to breathe. "Okay, right. You're right. They aren't hot anymore, and I have no hot sauce. I can work with this."

I crossed the apartment to the fridge, which meant I had to walk around the counter with the stove, but still only took about ten steps. I opened the fridge and looked inside. "Ah HA!" It doesn't say anything good about my lifestyle that there were a handful of hot sauce packets from taco bell in the egg container in the door. I pulled the packets out, and turned to face the fairy.

"There, Pahi. All three tacos, and all this hot sauce, and for the next two weeks, you answer all my questions to my satisfaction."

Pahi smirked at me. That probably meant that it was better to bargain with a fairy when they were hungry. I wished I knew how long it would take one of them to get hungry.

"What if I do not know the answer, Stupid Man?"

"Then you answer to the best of your ability, including your best guess as to how I can find out the answer for myself."

She thought about it, but finally relented. "Okay, Stupid Man. You have a deal. I think your Lady would want you informed anyway."

I pushed the pile of loot across the counter to her, and she flew over and landed next to it.

"Great. Now, please tell me what happened."

She opened the box and, to my surprise, began to unwrap the first taco almost like a normal person. "You should be specific with your questions. What is it that you do not understand?"

"Last thing I remember, it was the middle of August, and now everything looks like it's October. From what I can tell, I was gone about two to three days."

"Time is not the same in all places, Stupid Man. In the Nevernever it can move faster or slower. I know a Cobb who collects clocks. He is always resetting them to match the pocket-watch that he carries around."

"What the hell is a Cobb?" It really didn't matter, but somehow I couldn't stop from asking.

"They are a type of faery. Some people call them elves."

"Elves. Okay, elves are fairies. What does that make you then?"

She looked a little indignant. "Well, I'm not a stinky Cobb! I'm a pixie, and don't forget it!"

"Okay, okay. I'm new at this. You're a pixie. What's Naiamh?"

She paused, but only for a second. "Your Lady is Sidhe. They are the rulers of all of the Faerie."

"Okay. Rulers. So you guys have some sort of dictatorship? All of you serve the Sidhe?"

Even slower this time. "Yes. We serve the Sidhe." She rushed to add on "Though there are some that do not follow any. They are the wyldfae. Do you want to hear about them?"

I'm no detective, but she seemed awfully eager to divert me. I didn't know what I'd stumbled on, but there was something important here. I tried again. "That's okay. I want to know more about your government. Is there a single Sidhe in charge of the rest?"

"Oh no! There are two faery courts, and each has three Queens. One court is for Summer, and the other one is Winter."

That was obviously the wrong question. I was trying to think of what to ask next, but Pahi kept going. "Of the three Queens, there is the Queen who rules, the Mother who guides, and the Lady who is considered to be training for the position of ruler."

"Lady!" That was what I was missing. "You keep calling Naiamh my Lady. Is she a Queen? Does she belong to the Summer or Winter court?"

Pahi stopped dead. When she spoke, she was very quiet. "You must not ask about this, Stupid Man. You do not know what it means."

Eureka! It's not that I wanted to be nosy, or that I actually cared about the games the fairies played, but I was sick of being jerked around. Something in here could be the key to ending this nightmare.

"Pahi. You promised that you would answer to my satisfaction. I am _not_ satisfied."

"Stupid, stupid Stupid Man. I must answer you, and you don't know what not to ask. Fine." She looked around, as if checking if someone was listening to us. "Your Lady is not a Queen. And she is not of either court."

"Go on."

"Long ago, she was a powerful member of the Summer court, but she was exiled."

"What did she do?"

"I don't know! If you want to find out, you should ask her!" Pahi was getting pretty upset.

"That's okay, Pahi." I tried to calm her a little. "Why do you call her my Lady then, if she isn't a Queen?"

Pahi moaned. "That is what you should not ask! The Lady no longer belongs to a court, but there are many of us wyldfae who serve her. If we speak of this, we could all be killed! All of us! Especially the Lady!"

I wasn't sure whether to push. Maybe Pahi was right, and I was better off not knowing. But something like that was far too interesting to let go. "You just called her 'Lady' again, and you still haven't explained why."

"Because... Because, Stupid Man, we call her the Spring Lady, and call ourselves her court. If Summer or Winter heard of this, there would be _no where_ for any of us to go."

Shit. That was officially one question too far. The two of us stared at each other for a moment.

"Look, Pahi. You've barely touched your tacos. Why don't you just eat up, while I figure out what to do about my apartment."

Pahi pushed the meal away, and sullenly answered. "I'm not hungry."


	7. Making Phone Calls

The next few hours sucked. I had a bunch of people that I needed to talk to, and I didn't really want to talk to any of them. I wanted to get started right away, but since my phone was nearly dead, it had to  
>be plugged in while I was calling.<p>

The first thing was my job. Obviously I was fired. Surprisingly, the manager was really sympathetic about it. When he answered the phone I expected to get torn a new one, but instead he said that they'd been worried about me and asked what had happened. Telling him wasn't really an option, so I just said that it was personal, and he made noises like he knew what I meant. I'm sure in his mind, he was imagining the worst case scenarios of things going wrong. I couldn't help but find it a little funny that he thought that "he'd been there." Still, it's always good to be in good standing with your past employers, especially when you're going to be looking for a job. He told me that they'd already hired a replacement for me, but if anything new opened up, he'd let me know. I actually think he meant it too. I let him know that I was coming down to pick up my last paycheck, and asked the total of how much was going to be on it.

The next thing was my car. I'd left it on the street downtown, and I had no idea what would happen from there. I hooked up to the buildings wireless and started searching. It turns out that the city impounds abandoned vehicles, and imposes some pretty hefty fines. I was probably looking at storage costs too, just in case I wasn't paying enough yet. I made a few phone calls, and finally found it. Of course each of the lots I called started off by asking what my license plate number was. I have to wonder if anyone actually knows that when they call in. They get irritated with you when you don't know it, and they have to look you up in whatever database they use for that stuff.

I got back online, checked my bank account, and started doing some math. After getting my car back, paying my back-rent on the apartment, and picking up my last paycheck, I should have a little  
>over a hundred dollars left in the bank. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it still pissed me off. I'd been saving to replace my TV with a flat screen that I could mount on the wall. The TV over there now was one of the old tube-deals, that have small viewable area, take up a ton of space, and have a crappy picture quality. It looked like I was going to be stuck with it for a while longer.<p>

The last phone call was the worst. There was a girl… There was always a girl. This one I'd dated a bit in the past. Well, truth be told, it was more of a hook-up, but sometimes we'd rent a movie or something too. She was kinda cute, in the way that a chick that's all natural about everything can be. She never wore make-up, never bought fancy clothes. You know – earthy. She was in pretty good shape, had  
>long brown hair, and… Hell, to be honest, I have no idea what color her eyes were.<p>

Yes, I know that I'm an asshole.

Anyway. She was into all kinds of crazy crystal worshiping shit. After the second time we had sex she started with this weird chant to some goddess or another saying that she wasn't ready to get pregnant yet. I'd worn a rubber and everything, but it still freaked me the hell out. I'd asked her about the pill and all, but she said that she wasn't going to put chemicals into her body and such. She's kinda hardcore about all that stuff. I'd tried not to piss her off about it, but I wasn't going to lie about how stupid all that was either.

Let's just say that the whole conversation is still something of a sore subject. I really didn't want to call her, but she was the only person I knew who even believed that fairies existed.

The phone rang eight times. I was just about to give up when she answered. "Hello?"

"Uh, hi there." I wasn't at all sure how to do this.

"Lucas? Where have you been? I tried calling you a few times. It's been weeks."

"Yeah, I was kinda out of town." That was true. Well, I thought it was anyway. It's hard to tell exactly where Cheeto Island would appear on a map. It might have been right in the middle of Denver for all I knew.

"You weren't checking messages? I know we're not together or anything, but I would have liked a call, Lucas." She was pretty annoyed with me, but it didn't seem too serious. I hoped it wasn't going to screw up getting to talk to her.

"Yeah, I know." I didn't really. I wouldn't have thought to call her if I had gone back to Cali for a month, but I wasn't about to say that. "I'm sorry, Nikki. It's been a really rough couple of months."

There was a pause. "It's okay. You want to talk about it?"

"Yeah, I really do. Uhm. The Fastback's been impounded. You mind coming over here?"

She let out a short laugh. "Should I pack an overnight bag?"

"What?" I was about to tell her it wasn't like that, but she cut me off.

"Look, Luke. We both know why you end up calling me on a lonely Friday night, and to be honest with you, I don't care. I like what we have. I missed you when you were gone. And right now, I don't feel up to the old song and dance. No bullshit. Do you want me to bring a bag over, or not?"

In all my life, I've never said no to sex. And to have it thrown out there as blunt as that was just awesome. Really weird, but awesome.

"Yeah. Bring it, but Nikki?"

"Yeah?"

"That isn't why I called."

She hesitated, then asked, "Does that really matter Luke?"

"To me it does." I know I'm a pig sometimes, but I don't really want to be that guy. "Besides, I really do need to talk."

Whatever the reason, it seemed to make her happy. "It's cool Luke. Don't worry about it. I'll see you in like an hour."

* * *

><p>Since the time I was about thirteen, I'd dedicated at least eighty-five percent of my waking life trying to figure out women. Most of that was trying to figure out how to sleep with them. The rest was trying to figure out what I had done this time to make them angry. I never did have much success with any of it. All kinds of people will give you advice. My grandmother always wanted me to go to church to meet a 'nice girl'. I know a guy who goes shopping in fancy supermarkets to meet women. I've pretty much stuck to bars, but to be honest, that's never really worked out well.<p>

This other guy I know tells me to "Tell smart girls that they're pretty, and pretty girls that they're smart", but even I am not _that_ big of an asshole. Every guy has heard about how chicks always go for the guy that treats them like dirt. Hell, we've all seen it happen over and over again. It's the nice guy's lament. Women always say they want a guy like you - but not you, and then they go home with a total dirt-bag.

That never made any sense to me, and thinking about it, now that I'd been ignoring Nikki for a couple months (from her perspective) she was practically throwing herself at me. I can tell you this: It doesn't make any more sense when you're the guy who's the dirt-bag. I was gonna have to come up with something to tell her, to ease my conscience at least, but since I didn't want to go into the truth, I had no idea what that was going to be.

I only had about an hour, so I took a quick shower and got some clean clothes. I always forget just how much it helps to feel clean and comfortable again. It's like you take all the crap that you've been stressing about in with you, and the water just rinses it all away.

I finished with time to spare, and looked around the apartment. It was clean enough, but you can't exactly make a studio apartment look good, no matter how much work you put into it. I figured that it was about as good as it was going to get, so I just sat down to rest in some relative peace and quiet.

"Who is coming over, Stupid Man?"

I had actually managed to forget about my red-headed insect. My witty retort was something along the lines of "GWahhhA!" and leaping off of my good-will couch. Pahi just smiled at me while I regained my composure.

"Nikki." I said finally. "Her name is Nikki. She's a friend of mine."

"How does that help you complete your mission, Stupid Man?" she demanded.

"First off," I shot back, "Not everything is about your Lady's task. Second, I want to ask her about you and the Lady."

Pahi considered this. "Why her? What is it that she can tell you?"

"Honestly, Pahi, I have no idea. But she's read a bunch of books on fairies. She might be able to help me somehow."

"Why not just ask her on the phone then?" she asked.

"It's complicated."

She didn't say anything for once. Just stared at me until I continued.

"Okay. Yeah. I made fun of her for all her nature worshiping crap. Asking her about it now isn't going to go that well."

Pahi seemed genuinely confused. "Why did you make fun of her? Don't most people go to churches to worship? Isn't that the same?"

"Yeah, it is, but I don't do that either." This was a conversation that was a lot more familiar to me.

"Why not?" came the standard question that everyone asks.

"Because I don't believe in fairy tales." came the standard answer that generally ended the conversation.

Pahi, however, wasn't silent at this. In fact, she'd erupted into a fit of laughter. At my expense. Again.

She leaped up onto my coffee table, and curled her fingers into a little hook, which she jabbed at me. Then, in a really really bad pirate accent, she bellowed, "Ye best start believin' in Faerie Tales, Lucas! Yer in one! Bwahahah!"

So. I mentally added Pirates of the Caribbean to the list of Disneyland attractions that Had to Go.


	8. Enter Nikki

I was sitting on the edge of the bed, trying not to throw up.

I felt cold, and sick, and angry, and terrified all at the same time. Nikki was in the bed behind me, showing no signs of being ready to get up. Her burlap over-night bag made it just inside the door. Her clothes...both of our clothes actually... they were everywhere. I had just had the best sex of my life, and instead of euphoria, all I got was nausea.

Looking back at it, I was downright amazing. I'm not saying that to brag, really. I was as surprised as anyone. Well, anyone except Nikki maybe. It's like I could just look at her and tell what she wanted, and how. Watching subtle movements to see how to react, how to move. Both of us had been around the block a few times. We knew what we were doing, and knew our way around each other, but this was something entirely new. We must have been at it for over an hour, maybe two.

That's a long time, by the way. Guys who tell you that they are going all-night-long or similar brags are full of shit. And it's not really something to brag about if you're working all night and not getting her anywhere.

At the time, I was completely in the moment. I didn't think about anything else. It was almost like the rest of the world just didn't exist. And now, that it was over, and Nikki was basking in her post-coital endorphins, reality came crashing down on me, and reminded me what all this meant.

_Fairies are real._

Okay. I could handle that concept.

_I went to fairyland. _

A little weird, but I lived through it.

_Pahi is..._

No. That's one step too far.

Mystical creatures living in someplace outside our own reality is a concept I can wrap my head around. A vulgar-half-pint-dragonfly-girl who was sent, as near as I can tell, to be my personal tormentor is just too much. I sat there, just focusing on my breath.

_In._  
><em>Out. <em>  
><em>In. <em>  
><em>Hold. <em>  
><em>Out.<em>

"Luke, baby?" Her voice came to me, as if she was at the other end of a long tunnel. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing." _In. Out._

"Nothing? We just had the most amazing sex I've ever even heard about, and you're sitting there like someone just shit in your silverware drawer."

That came through. "What?" The image was forcing it's way to the front of my brain, and I was trying not to break down into a fit of giggling.

"It's an expression." She said innocently.

The giggles won out at that point, "No it is not. Seriously, Nik, where do you get this shit?"

"Had to say something. You were seriously killing the mood here." She sat up, and the sheet slid off of her, exposing that new piercing she was so proud to show me earlier.

I started calming down and the nausea started coming back.

"I gotta ask you something, and I need you to give an honest answer. Okay?"

She cocked her head to the side, like this was the last thing she expected from me. "Okaay..."

"The sex, just now. It was really good?"

She laughed. "Jesus Luke. I only came a couple dozen times. Yeah. It was good."

"Seriously? A couple dozen?" I have to admit there was a little pride mixed in with my impending sense of doom.

"Shit, I don't know. I wasn't counting. But yeah, a lot. I figured that you noticed."

"Yeah. Um, it's just... What about other times we've done it? Was it a lot better than that?"

There was a bit of a pause. "Uh, Luke..."

"I just need honesty right now."

"Well, yes. If you want me to be honest, then yeah, you were never really good at it."

I groaned. "Look you were okay. I got off. Usually. Just not great." She obviously regretted that brief bit of honesty, and was starting to backpedal.

She hurried to add, "You know today was totally different though. Amazing. I want to go tell pretty much everyone what sex can really be like now."

I know she was trying to cheer me up, but this was really really not good. I was very solemn when I said, "That's the problem, Nikki. It was too good."

She laughed then, and answered, "Yeah, that's a problem that won't get you a lot of sympathy friend."

* * *

><p>I spilled my guts to her. I didn't mention any of the Spring stuff. That didn't seem safe. But I talked about the club, the island, and Pahi. I told her about the tacos, and how Pahi would tear into them in a way that was both fascinating and disgusting.<p>

Sometimes, you just need a real person who can listen to you and understand what you're going through. Even though I doubted that there was anyone on the planet that could relate to my fairy problems, it was good to just have someone listen to me, and take me seriously.

More or less.

When Nikki started listening, she had been laughing. That quickly died away, and it looked like she thought I was making fun of her. Then, the expression on her face slowly changed to fear.

Sometimes when guys are tryin' to talk tough, they start acting like they're all _loco_. I gotta admit, I've played that card before. Even managed to scare people with it.

This was the first time that anyone looked at me like I was genuinely crazy.

When I finally finished my story, Nikki asked me, "Um, Luke? Are you really sure that all that is... well, real?"

"I think so, yeah." Admitting it actually seemed to make it sink in more.

"I was hoping it was all a dream, or I was drugged, or something. Anything." I continued. "I mean, I've been seeing things for days now. And I lost months of time. But I figured there's gotta be some kind of drugs out there that do that sort of thing."

She seemed relieved. "Yeah! Well, I don't know. I've done 'shrooms, before, but I never heard of that kind of reaction. It must've been some kind of manufactured designer shit."

"Nik..."

"No, Luke. We can figure this out. I'll call some people. One of them will know something. If there's a crazy bitch out there dosing people with that kind of bad shit, word needs to get out."

"Nik."

"I'm serious Lucas. You can't be the only one. Someone might get really hurt."

"I wasn't drugged."

She rolled her eyes, "Come on Lucas. Fairies kidnapped you!"

"I thought you believed in that kind of shit."

"No. Not like that. Fairies are good. And kind. If you find a fairy ring and know the right invocation, they might even grant you a wish. They don't steal people into other worlds."

I could swear I heard muffled laughter coming from the general direction of my bathroom.

"It kinda seems like they _do_."

"Oh come on. You're the one who goes on about logic, and that razor and stuff. What makes the most sense here?"

"Drugs did."

She gave me that "Well then?" look.

"But then we had sex." I continued. "If it was a dream, how did I learn all that stuff. I mean it wasn't just like I was on today... it was like... It was almost like there was someone else in my head giving me advice what to do. But somehow in a way where I was still in control of it. But, free at the same time... I don't know how to describe it. But it was definitely different. New. I can't really explain it."

"Maybe you were hypnotized. I hear people can be taught all sorts of stuff subconsciously."

I hadn't thought of that, and I really should have. I wanted to jump on the possibility, but...

"So, the working theory is that I was drugged, and hypnotized, and trained for a few months on how to be a great lover, and then released back into my normal life? That makes less sense than fairies."

She tried reaching. "Um, maybe they were going to use you in some sort of male prostitution ring for very rich women?"

I laughed, but there really wasn't any joy in it. "Yeah. 'Cause I'm the prettiest guy in the club. No, Nik. Even with my new skill, that theory just doesn't fly. They could train a model for that. And pay him. They'd probably even get volunteers."

Nikki was exasperated. "What then? Fairy kidnap?"

"I guess? Look, nothing makes sense any way you look at it. If I can't trust what I know, then what have I got left? My eyes and ears tell me it's fairies. I don't have anything else to go on."

"Fine." She sighed. "I'll take you to some people who know all about fairies. They should be able to set you straight at least."

"Set me straight?"

"Luke, I don't know what's going on, but nothing you're saying makes sense. There's just no way this can be real."

I snorted. "That's great."

"What?" she demanded.

"I'm telling you about fairies, and you're telling me it can't be real. It's just a hell of a switch."

She smiled. "I guess life just likes to kick you in the ass now and then."


End file.
